Hot Cops and Frosty Boys
by JenJenJen13
Summary: AU!Manga. Sick and tired of Shinji hitting the bar every night, Shuuya and a reluctant Hiroki decide to stage an intervention with the help of a police officer slash “public servant”. Emphasis on slash. One-sided Sho/Shinji.


No, I do not ship this. Ew.

Just for shits and giggles, I've wanted to do a story featuring the gay kid in Class B, Sho Tsukioka's, one-sided thing for Shinji (and Shuuya, and Kawada, and all the other good looking guys in Class B. XD) Anyway I couldn't think of anything that took place in their time, so I fast-forwarded about ten years.

Sexual innuendos galore. Language, ect., blah blah blah. If you've read a Jenizaki creation you know what to look for.

I've been playing around a lot with one-sided slash recently. Is my inner slash fangirl starting to unearth itself? Sheesh, I sure as hell hope not, I'm enough of a pervert as it is, the last thing we need is me on the slash train.

-

"Fucking hell, Mim!" Shuuya complained, hoisting his friend's arm over his shoulder. "I am so fucking sick of dragging your drunk ass home every night! Stop drinking or learn how to drive when you're drunk!"

"I'm not drunk!" Shinji shouted loudly, "Get off me!! I can walk!"

Unlike most drunk people, who got sad and quiet after they drank too much, Shinji got pissed off. When he got like this, he yelled at little children, he yelled at attractive women trying to sleep with him, he yelled at attractive men trying to sleep with him, and he yelled at his generous friends for daring to escort his drunk ass out of a bar.

"Mim, drinking isn't healthy!" Hiroki protested, grabbing Shinji's other arm to prevent him from hitting Shuuya. "You do this twice a week!"

"Get off me!" Shinji hollered. "RAPE! RAPE!"

Shuuya and Hiroki groaned. Shinji had recently developed a severe case of homophobia after spending a night in the local jail for DUI, so whenever he thought a guy was getting a bit too close, he started screaming RAPE.

"I think we should kill him," Shuuya growled.

Hiroki thought for a second. "Oh. Wait. I'm a fucking black belt!" With one swift chopping motion, he hit Shinji in the back of the neck; Shinji's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he toppled over like a deck of cards.

"SHIT! I didn't mean _really_ kill him!" Shuuya wailed. "Oh, fuck, what are we gonna tell his girlfriend!?"

"I didn't kill him!" Hiroki protested, "I, err, might've hit him a bit too hard—"

"Fuck his girlfriend, what're we gonna tell his _wife_!?" Shuuya asked, full panic mode activated. He frowned. "_I'll_ fuck his girlfriend, actually—"

Hiroki grabbed Shuuya's shoulders and shook him furiously. "Would you shut up!? I didn't kill him!"

Shuuya was too terrified to listen to common sense. "I don't wanna go to jail!" he whined, "I'll be someone's bitch, I just know it!"

"He's not dead!" Hiroki cried. "Get a grip, Shuuya!"

"GET A GRIP!? Yeah, get a grip on the knife I'm gonna use to keep you from killing me!" Shuuya shrieked. "You're a maniac! You're gonna string me up just like you did to Mim!"

Hiroki rolled his eyes. Shuuya had a couple drinks too; and when HE got tipsy, he became frighteningly paranoid. Deciding to deal with it the way his good friend Takako would, he slapped Shuuya across the face.

Shuuya's eyes became very wide and his hand flew up to his face. "Ow!"

"You done screaming!?" Hiroki asked.

Shuuya took a deep breath. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

SLAP!

"Ow!" Shuuya whimpered. "No fair bitch slapping! I thought you were a man of honor!"

Hiroki ignored that. "I say we leave Mim here for the night."

"No way, our fingerprints are all over him, they'll think we killed him," Shuuya complained.

"Uh, who's "they"?" Hiroki questioned.

Shuuya thought for a second. "Well, there's a cop standing over there."

Sure as shit, there WAS a cop standing over there; he looked more like a hot cop than an actual cop, but he _was _a Shiroiwa cop. Kind of Jim Dangle, Reno 911!-esque. (A/N: If you don't know the reference, 1, you're missing out; 2, go Google Image it!)

"Maybe he's deaf?" Hiroki questioned. "Or one of those creepy drag cops?"

"HEY, YOU STUPID 5-0 PIG! IF YOU CAN HEAR US, DON'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL!" Shuuya shouted, "YOU HEAR ME!?"

Immediately, the cop turned around; Hiroki smacked himself on the forehead, wondering why he didn't clock Shuuya instead of Shinji. On second thought, he should've clocked them both, left them in a ditch, and found some new friends.

"Why hellooooooo, boys," cooed the cop, batting his strangely long eyelashes at the two men.

Shuuya and Hiroki exchanged glances. First, NO HOMO, and secondly, this guy had one of those faces you couldn't forget. It was one of those, "ZOMG BAD DREAM IT WASN'T REAL JUST A BAD DREAM" faces. One of those faces you think is following you when you're walking from the bar to your car when you're—

"We get it! He's fugly!" Shuuya shouted. "Geez!" He glared at the cop. "Look, officer, we didn't kill him, we just—"

The officer was now so uncomfortably close to Shuuya that Shuuya found his personal space was being molested. "Err, you mind taking a step back there?"

"Why, I can't believe you two didn't recognize me!" the cop said, looking hurt (as if they could tell under all the makeup). "I must say I'm hurt!"

"Just tell us who you are," Shuuya grumbled.

"Sho!?" Shuuya and Hiroki asked incredulously.

"Oh it's about time," Sho cooed happily, "You boys certainly have grown more delectable with age!"

"I'd scream rape if I didn't know he'd be the one coming to save me," Hiroki muttered. Shuuya nodded fearfully.

Sho looked down and apparently saw Shinji, still crapped out on the sidewalk. His eyes widened. "OMG! IS THAT—IS THAT—" He appeared too excited for words.

"Is that a living man? Yes it is!" Shuuya said quickly, "We, err—HIROKI KILLED HIM!" he shouted.

"SHUUYA!" Hiroki protested.

Sho didn't seem to care about the whole murderer thing—no, he was focused on the hot, unconscious, hot, probably-drunk-off-his-ass, but especially _hot_ guy crapped out on the sidewalk, business end up.

That wasn't the only thing up—"hush, you!" he ordered, glaring down between his legs.

Shuuya and Hiroki exchanged glances—'ooooooookay' seemed to be a common thought. "Hey, Sho, I've got a genius idea," Shuuya began, working that 'Shuuya sexy' charm which always got his girlfriend Yukie excited in her pants, "y'know, Mim's been hittin' the bottle really hard, y'see~ he thinks his wife is cheating on him with the girl he's cheating on _her_ with. So—"

"Oh, disgusting," said Sho, scrunching his face up (Hiroki wincing at the serial rapist expression), "—wait, so Mimura's _lonely_?" He licked his lips (once again, Hiroki winced).

"So, so, _so _lonely," Shuuya continued, nudging Hiroki to play along.

"Oh—um—yes, very lonely," Hiroki said quickly.

Sho seemed to be at a loss for words, his brain so jam-packed with dirty thoughts it was blocking his ability to speak—"he needs the kind of _companionship_ one can only get from _me_, I suppose?"

"Yes," said Shuuya immediately, "well, what the fuck're you waitin' for, man!? Mim's your oyster! Go get yourself a knife!"

Sho himself seemed a bit confused as to why he hadn't grabbed Shinji and dragged him off to have his wicked, wicked (consensual or not) way with him—"I believe my line of profession might have a problem with my choice of entertainment," he began.

"We saw nothing," Shuuya said assuringly, "right, Hiroki?"

"Leave me out of this," grumbled Hiroki.

"Right~" said Sho cheerfully, "well, come along then, Shinji dear~" He bent down, scooped Shinji up into his arms like some unconscious, drooling, thoroughly fucked up looking bride, "toodle-ooo, boys~"

"Bye," called Shuuya—"thank fucking God."

"You are _terrible_," Hiroki scolded.

"What? Nothing he doesn't _deserve_," said Shuuya, "serves him _right_, he put me and Yoshi in the same bed that one night and we thought we did something in our sleep for the longest time!"

"That wouldn't be Shinji's fault," Hiroki pointed out.

"It most certainly would, he'd be the catalyst to the whole damn thing and I guarantee you there isn't a single BR fangirl that ships Shuuya/Yoshi," said Shuuya firmly.

"Getting a bit ahead of yourself, there, Shu," said Hiroki, trying to hide the smirk on his face, "what says it wouldn't be Yoshi/Shuuya?"

"EWWW," wailed Shuuya, "do not _want_—YUKIEEEEEEE!"

-

Shinji woke up the following morning in the following conditions: hungover, confused, _cold_, naked, lost, tied up at the wrists, hungry, and having the creepy feeling someone was staring at him—OH FUCKING HELL SOMEONE WAS.

"Good mooooooorning!" giggled Sho, "how did you sleep, Shinji-dear?"

"Wh—wh—where am I!?" Shinji spluttered, aware he had a hangover, aware he was in bed with this—this gay guy who wanted to rape him since he was fifteen, aware he was _naked_, and—was it just his imagination or was his ass really sore OH NOOOOOOOO!!

"Oh, don't fret, Shinji daaaarling," Sho cooed, beaming down at him (with a predatory smile). "I wouldn't dare harm a hair on your pretty little head!

Shinji was very tempted to ask WHICH ONE. "Wh-what'd you do to me?" he asked, finally.

Sho looked horrified at the very idea. "Why, I never!" he cried (he most certainly HAD, he was accused of rape every time he set foot in a bar—usually when he was on duty!). He looked at Shinji. "I'd never do anything without your full consent! Besides, you passed out drunk anyway, and I'm not a fan of _dominating_—

Oh, ew. Shinji tried very hard to delete those particular mental images from his brain. He climbed out of the bed furiously.

"Well, now that you're _awaaaaaake_," Sho said, grabbing Shinji's arms and pulling the man close, almost nose-to-nose, "Now we can _really_ have some fun!"

Shinji's eyes widened in horror. "Don't you even think about it!" He squawked, shaking the other man off furiously, regaining his composure. "Not in a million years!! SHUUYA—DAMMIT, SHUUYA, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

-

Holy crap I wrote a Shinji story without a single Shinji/Takako reference in it. Go me! You can substitute whomever you like for Shinji's wife/girlfriend, respectively.

Little one-shots are fun, and they count as stories on my profile page so it looks like I'm an esteemed author, or whatnot XD


End file.
